Memento

2009-10-14T12:10:26Z

It's been a full month since I've posted, which is rather rare I suppose. The reason for it is simply that I have found it hard for myself to even begin to comprehend most of the happenings over here. But I also know that writing it down works wonders on a random mind, so I will.

Well then let's start at the drama at my birthday, September 15. I already posted my dislike towards my fathers family, who suddenly thought it appropriate to notice me again after 15 months of ignoring me. That's all fine an dandy, but I'm not just that easily fooled. Only a day after my father called, as my boyfriend and I were walking in a pet shop, discussing whether or not to get a new bird again. So my dad called and I answered the phone. The conversation that followed had something of the following elements; My dad wanted to 'bury the battle axe' and try to regain my trust and re-build our father daughter relationship &etc. I had not ever thought that he would call me to be honest, I had believed his disgusting pride would not let him. But I suppose he's rather lonely now and in need of a new person to control. Thus my reaction was softer than I had thought myself capable of. At first I tried to tell him that we had hurt each other to much, and that I was afraid I'd hurt him again, and that I was of opinion that our characters were not at all compatible for we both had a great need to control yet please the other. It simply would not combine. He did not see it as such, we could change &etc. I told him that people, with hardly any exception, don't tend to change, especially not for another. He still tried to persuade me into meeting him or talking to him at least. But what would you want then? I asked him. Would you okay with seeing me only once a month, twice a month, once a week? Would you be okay with only talking to me once a year, once a month or every week? I didn't think so. And he couldn't give me an answer. I told him honestly that I simply was not ready for this yet, I was not ready to give in and submit myself again to the whims of his whole family. I felt sorry for him. And I told him. I felt sorry for him because, had it not been for his very own mother, with her damn curiosity, that called me and just had to inform me that my mother still very much blamed me for seuing her and had told my grandmother so crying, that I might have actually considered his offer. But since it was him that suggested, urged, pressed me to sue my mother only to dump me with all the mess, I could not forgive him. He still sees no error in making me sue my mother while I consider it one of the most critical errors in my life. He had simply used me as a tool, telling me to choose between my parents, and him being at that time the most reliable one I choose him. But it had not mattered much. He had abandoned me for little reason and convinced his side of the family to do the same. There had been no fight only a misunderstanding and it was enough to dump me once more. And now, after his girlfriend of 10 years finally managed to rid herself of him, he and the family suddenly return as if there were nothing wrong. I am very grateful for my grandmother to remind me of the damage I done, the damage he made me do. There's simply no chance for my father and I, we are both so needy in control, it would only end in disaster. Besides, I must admit I was already thinking him of being dead. It kind of comforted me. I should have told him to think of me in that way as well. Out of the 22 years of my life, he hardly has seen me, or at all tried to know me. He'd been there until I was 6, then two days a week until I was 10, then only one day a week until I was 14, then ignoring me for 4 years only to rekindle 2 years and then abandoning me once more. Al tho I admit I had once would have liked a father, but not a man as he. There are circumstance of course which would speak somewhat in is favour. But I cannot deny the annoyance that the man never once seemed to think of his child first, who willfully ignored me for the better part of my life. I know why he seeks to rekindle. It is a scary thing to die all alone. With no love or legacy but so it is for him. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to let him meet his grandchildren or invite him at my wedding (given both things would ever come to pass), and when I move I shall be a cruel not to inform him were. The only thing that I can think of is that I'd might let him bribe me with money to gain access to anything in my life, for giving money equals love in his eyes. I never thought like that but then I never really cared about all the expensive items he'd get me. And so the call ended, with me decidedly declining his offer of peace, several times. I had half the mind to call my uncle, my dad's twin brother, and ask what it was all about, this charade of birthday cards and wishes, so suddenly. But I did not, already knowing the answer. My dad and his brother are methodical men, even when it comes to emotion. Everything is in need of a strategy in their eyes, and this one simply failed. Ha, I can just imagine their anger and their rants as they realized that their plan came up short. That I had slipped from their grasp.

I was, ah how to say it, proud that I had been strong enough to make the right decision, altho it was most definitely a painful one. Up till that point I'd been able to blame it on my father on our abysmal relationship, but now I had chosen to cut the line. I was afraid I'd come to regret my decision. But after talking to my aunt (from the other side of the family) I felt a lot better, for she confirmed my ideas and decisions. I was very glad she did for I was rather insecure and out of my element. Every time I get confronted with either one of my parents I stressed and emotional. It takes me days to recover from them. I usually get depressed and suffer from great bounds of guilt. I'm very lucky that at least my mom's family is still open to me.

The fair was in my home town so I dragged my bf to it and we enjoyed it immensely. Being there the first day of opening, the public was only local and not in great amounts, which was good. I saw some family members there and got invited to a birthday-drink the next week. I had to call in my brother for my cousin had forgotten to invite him as well. Altho we didn't stay long it was a time well spent. I saw the all my second-cousins (toddlers all of them) and even went to a couple of the rides with my cousin. I had arranged to meet with my cousin Myra in the weekend to help me with my finance homework since she's an accountant :) I only arrived two hours too early haha. But it was no problem and I lunched along with her man and kid. We didn't manage to finish it but I would return the next weekend. In the end that didn't happen for my bf had his birthday that weekend and so I went along with him to his home town. I had arranged an appointment for him for a professional massage, as a birthday gift :) He enjoined it very much indeed :D At his place it was utter boring as per usual, as his entire family all went to scouting and left me alone and locked in their house and this time without the laptop I usually used :( Instead I eventually dared to use his mom's computer. My bf's mom is a very emotional force of nature. And so it was that I got rather stressed if she was stressed and I got all disturbed if she was frustrated. She would radiate these feelings while I, coming from a rather forced composed family, suck it all up and get very emotionally disturbed, She's a wonderful and caring person but she has no idea what kind of effect she has on others. I'm simply to sensitive for her to understand I suppose. Thus I had not come to their house in a month almost. I had expected her to react and respond to me in a demanding way, I had not thought she would be able to get over our differences without a fight. But apparently she did. Or perhaps she just pretended to do so, altho she's to much of an emotional creature to pretend anything haha. That evening I'd finally meet her side of the family (more in honer of the bday of grama than for Patrick), who had been, up to that point, rather elusive. Patrick and I have been together for a full 10 months and I've seen more than I want to from his dad's side of the family. But Patrick's family told me that his mom's side would be a lot more outgoing and fun (which equal unpredictable and awkward behaviour, at least his dad's side is formal and tradition, that I can easily handle with strangers). We met at a Chinese restaurant where they have this all you can eat buffet. I'm no fan of buffet, for they overall lack in quality :( But it was okay I guess. It took me two hours to figure out that Patrick's cousin that sat across me had down syndrome, which made me a but annoyed at Patrick that he hadn't told me. I has simply assumed that she was a bit childish, and I so I responded in the same way. It was not until I saw that she did not get the joke and was beyond childish that I realised her mental state. But the rest of the family was indeed either normal (and to be considered 'boring') or boisterous and loud (to be considered 'fun'). Later on we (meaning his mom, dad, uncle, aunt/cousin) went to a pub an had some beers before heading home. His uncle even berated me for not drinking enough for the district where I come from is notorious for it's heavy drinkers (which is spoken of with pride). The day after the his mom's side of the family decided to visit. Altho it wasn't nearly as bad as it usually was it was still very tiresome. Ah well. Patrick and me survived, atho we did both picked up a rather nasty cold :(

School's surprisingly going rather good for some minor details. I'm actually making some friends :D Milou and Robin are both slackers and both had to redo their year so that kind of bonds. The class in nice enough atho our work-group is rather boisterous. I'm doing my hardest to stay focused, which is very hard because we have so little classes and so few projects :(

Thus this is me posting from school and it took me some friggin 2 hours to do so XD Ah well.

Spam spam <3

2009-01-13T08:32:14Z

Are you looking for a sorting community that's about more than just sorting? Looking for new friends and fun activities?

Then hogwartsishome is the community for you! There are tons of fun subcommunities to explore and your new housemates will be eager to help you find your way. From graphics and fanfiction to trivia-based puzzles, there's something here for everyone!

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Head on over to platform_934 to join in the fun! Fill out the application completely to be sorted as quickly and accurately as possible. And, tell them an Order member sent you!

Join hogwartsishome today!

Maaiker Creates!

2008-10-12T19:49:57Z

Just so you all know, I won't be posting HP art over here anymore. I'm posting it ALL over here;

maaiker_creates maaiker_creates maaiker_creates

Most of you seen all the works over there, but I've added a lot of old stuff, because it amused me greatly XD
So join if you feel like it! Oh and I'll probably make a request post soon, over there *hint hint* ;)
I'm not uet sure if I'm going to post icons or banners since I'm not all to awesome at it... Ah well, we'll see :)

-x- Maaike

FRIENDS ONLY from now on :)

2007-04-19T10:43:12Z

COMMENT TO BE ADDED

But do consider this;
+ I'm from the Netherlands I live in a country were abortion, gay marriage, euthanasia and smoking pot is normal and legal. I personally have nothing against it although I do not participate in it.
+ I have Dyslexia I tend to make two typos or spelling mistakes in every sentence that I write.
+ I'm an Atheist I respect every other religion but please do not smother me with yours.

Add me when you have no problems with this and can stand;
+ Me posting about highly personal dilemmas
+ Me posting about the communities that I'm in
+ Me posting random drawings and sketches
+ Me posting random icons and other graphics
+ Me posting a lot of meme's
+ Me fangirling about stuff
+ Me posting about my ever growing manga collection
+ Me posting tipsy or drunk
+ Me fangirling over my bf

Think you can handle it? Then add me and leave a comment. If I know you from a community or you want to see my art/graphics or we have a lot of common interests then I'll certainly add you back :D

-x- Maaike

1	everenthralledx	49
2	annebloom188	31
3	ortentheka	20
4	karinablack	19
5	pearshateraqui	14
6	bohemianvanity	12
7	sumireuk	12
8	airycharm	9
9	troetelbeertje	9
10	pieces0fmyheart	8

11	mollywobblez	6
12	xlivelovediex	6
13	darksaturn20	6
14	missmimsical	5
15	great_chickion	5
16	boselfje	4
17	midnight_wind	4
18	contadine	4
19	actualize	3
20	hanishi	2
21	sugarlilie	2
22	allourwit	2
23	akeyoftime	2
24	1dramaticdancer	2
25	rhapsodyinpink	2
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27	sceeder	2
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30	anunseengenius	1
31	scent_of_autumn	1
32	southernwitch69	1
33	mundungus42	1
34	ms_cd84	1
35	bellipotens	1
36	klokno	1
37	fading_xhopex	1
38	fallenembers33	1
39	chazychaz4	1

inquisitive & amenable

Memento

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Maaiker Creates!

FRIENDS ONLY from now on :)

O.o